Great friends!

This past week has been a whirl wind of events and fun! I can only credit all these great times to my friends Melissa and Tony that came to visit this past week and Melissa's brother James and their friend Josh. There were many more people to credit for such a great week but those people are the ones in the pic. We are gathered at Harpoon Brewery for Harpoon Fest where we were drinking for the end of the world ;) LOL.

Well, through all the crazy night of going out and drinking, sobering up and drinking some more I learned this, that I am so incredibly lucky to have such a great group of friends were I can simply be ME. I believe that to be priceless!

Been awhile

Well it's been awhile... Lots has happened but of all things that have happened is my brother has passed away. He died on Nov. 11th and it has been an emotional roller coaster since. But what brings me to write tonight has to do with space. My space/personal space! A close friend of mine asked me if I was homeless the other night. I was so taken back by this comment that I felt hurt. That of course wasn't their intentions but all I could think was wow I am never in my place nor do I have friends over. I also started to think about why is this the case. My conclusion is that I don't want to be alone at this time in my life and that may be why I avoid staying at my own place. Since the news of my brother I haven't spent much time in my place. Do you think this is me avoiding emotion? I think that is possible. So today I reorganized and cleaned my place, trying to make it feel more like home and a place that I would want to spend time. Truth is at the end of the day I still wish I wasn't alone. I don't mind it but right now it is just nice being around friends and people that you care about. I guess I am afraid. I just don't want to miss a single moment.

Another Quote :)

Found this on my little sisters Facebook and I have to say it truly applies.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that
you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them
when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no
one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things
can fall together."-Marilyn Monroe

I don't know the reasons why things happen the way they do. Some say luck, karma, cursed, a higher power, faith, destiny or whatever else you can say for why things happen just "right" or just "wrong" but they happen. Mostly though what I have learned is that life is a process of growing and understanding yourself.

I continue daily to be surprised by the doors that are opened and though I believe that is might be luck or karma. I mostly believe that it is my own doing. My get up and go attitude and never give up when a door closes. However I wish this applied to love. That is the one thing that we really have no control over. You simply have to trust in your feelings. CRAZY, lol but life.

Also by finding this on my younger sisters facebook it makes me realize that she is growing up and is about to embark on life's roller coaster and I wish for her to learn easy and to not have too hard of lessons to learn. However I have grown my most in the hardest of times so maybe what I wish for more then anything is for her to always be surrounded by people who love her and support her. That is what truly helps someone in hard times.

Continue to dream big and know that you will achieve it.

I will end this with the quote that always keeps me going. The one my stepdad told me at a very young age.

"Whether you think that you can, or you think that you can't, you are right" - Henry Ford

Quote

"You can't travel through time, but you can send your thoughts and hopes into the future to camp out and wait for you to arrive there, where you'll meet up and hug and decide that everything is alright again." -John Mayer

The Count Down

As my 30th birthday approaches I find that I am having many interesting conversations with people about turning 30. Most people are asking if I am ok? LOL this simply makes me laugh. I think the fact that people ask you if you are ok is what makes you question if you are ok. I never thought I wasn't ok until you asked me that. hmmm... LOL well I am ok :)

One of the conversations that I had with several of my students (girls) that are 19. I asked them where do they see themselves in 10 years. Mostly this got responses of married and starting a family or already having a family. This made me think back to when I was 20 and where I thought I would be. I guess my thoughts were very similar to theirs. I honestly thought that I would be one of the first to marry of my friends and start a family. I thought this mostly because when I dated someone it was always serious. I never held back my feelings. I would simply jump into the deep end! I guess you can say I love with my whole heart, mind and body. But what I have learned is that I have been burned a few times for this however I don't see this as a part of me that will change. I may become a little more guarded but without risk there is no great reward. Life is sometimes meant to be scary. If we knew what was coming next we all would be flat lined of emotion and I NEVER want to feel that way.

In the end I told the girls that I am excited to be 30. I have no regrets and I have accomplished things that most people my age have not. I gave up two years of my life for service to live in the woods with at risk teen girls, I then dedicated a year to a group home where I was the house mother to 5 teenage girls who needed guidance, I have TRAVELED to many places, I have traveled alone and found peace in that, I have learned to pick my friends well (no more mean girls!), I am educated and continuing :), and mostly I have learned to love and take risks! I am secure in who I am and it feels great. So I can't wait to see what adventures my 30's will bring.

Facing the Music

I recently got back from a vacation home (Winter Park, FL) visiting family and friends but mostly I was there about a guy. Lets just say that it was truly one of the most beautiful relationships that I have ever been in both friends and otherwise. We shared with each other our life experiences, our hopes, dreams, values, and discussions about almost anything and everything you can think of. I will write on this story at a later date when I am not so emotional about the topic and what happened. But what has me writing currently is that it didn't end so great. Long story but I am not angry about it. Mostly though I have to tell a bunch of people what happened. Sort of like when you have something tragic that happens and the last thing you want to do is talk about it because that is all that you have done already, is talk about it. But everyone asks because it was supposed to be this wonderful almost magical epic story and then it all just blew up in your face. LOL well that is where I am at. Ok here is the positive, I have the most supportive friend network around and I realize this more now then ever. I don't know how to tell people how important it is to have friends that listen and support and simply just care for you as if you are family. This is why I am grateful.

It has been a week since all this happened and I am still being asked what happened. I mostly am tired of telling people but also every time I have to tell someone it is like reliving all the beauty and possibility of what could've happened and then telling them that he didn't pick you and watching their faces drop. Facing all of their disappointment and then telling them that you are ok and consoling them where inside you want to cry but if they see you fall apart they feel this need to tell you how wonderful you are, hahahaha! Who wants to hear that? I mean he didn't pick me, right? So I can't be that wonderful, LMAO.
Ok I am losing it a little.
Point being sometimes it's ok to not be ok and yes, I will recover and no, you don't have to put me back together. I don't need to be angry and I don't need to go out there and start dating right away because I don't want something that I saw as beautiful be tainted with anger and jealousy. So for now I will keep it together so that no ones tells me it's going to be ok, and that I deserve better, for now I am ok and I will continue to face the music of everyday.

Tiana

"You can't travel through time, but you can send your thoughts and hopes into the future to camp out and wait for you to arrive there, where you'll meet up and hug and decide that everything is alright again."-John Mayer

The beginning

Where to start except to tell you that I am going to attempt to record something great and tell you my story of the past and then to hope that I will continue to write about the future.

I am 29 and next month I will be 30. I just moved to Boston from Florida taking a big leap in my life to attend grad school and leave the comfort and familiar behind. I set out almost 2 years ago today to make this happen. I left behind friends and family and a 7 year relationship that was spinning its wheels. I was ready for adventure and I have been taking leaps and jumps and risks that I am not sure I would have always done but I am discovering who I am. I am in the search for love, true love and not this settling that I see happening all around me. People simply being comfortable and yes I do believe they love each other but I am looking for that something, the spark, the flare, that thing that gives you butterflies and everything just seems beautiful. Mind you I am not out hunting like some crazed desperate woman. I am simply wondering if it exists. I believe it does but I am not sure if it is from my youth of innocent love or too many romance novels. This is going to be my journey. I have some stories to tell so some will be from the past and some of the present and some of the hopeful future.

Tiana
Listening to: Up To The Mountain by Patty Griffin